Season 3, Episode 1: Navigating a Communication Barrier with Your Boss

We dive into a fascinating workplace dilemma from a professional struggling to connect with her email-only manager who avoids all face-to-face interaction. The disconnect creates uncertainty and confusion about their working relationship.

In this episode, Dr Liv and Dr Emma discuss:
• Different perspectives on why the manager might behave this way
• How to approach difficult conversations from a place of curiosity
• Navigating workplace gossip and complaining about managers
• Different communication styles and work preferences
• Strategies for establishing clear expectations around communication
• Ways to build professional relationships when natural connection is missing

(click here to contact / learn more about Dr Liv Oginska >>> )

(click here to contact / learn more about Dr Emma McConnell >>> 

If you've experienced a situation like this, please let us know how you handled it. We'd love to hear your story!

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Transcript

Biochemist's Workplace Communication Dilemma

Speaker 1 0:55

Hi Emma, how are you doing? Good to see you. Hi Liv, I'm really well, thank you, and very excited to see what we've got today. Me too. Let's go, let's do it, okay.

Speaker 1 1:08

Dear Human Savvy, I was curious about your thoughts on my situation. I'm a biochemist and I work in a lab. We have a tiny team. It's just me and two other guys. I'm the only female.

Speaker 1 1:23

My manager is a man and he is just so strange. I am completely lost when it comes to communicating with him In the morning. He is always on time and he is very particular about it. He doesn't like when we are even slightly late. He doesn't speak to anyone and goes straight to his office. Then, throughout the day, he will send us a lot of emails with instructions for the day. The emails are well-structured and I always know what I'm supposed to do, but at the same time, they are completely impersonal. I'm pretty sure that my manager knows nothing about me other than my skills at work. I don't have to be friends with him or even chat every day, but it just feels incredibly strange. What if I actually have some interpersonal issue with one of my colleagues and I need my manager's help? It feels like he lives on a different planet and I don't know how to connect with that planet. Please help. Oh no, this is fun. Lives on a different planet and I don't know how to connect with that planet.

Speaker 2 2:19

Please help oh no, this is fun. That must be interesting every day like internet aerial communications like how interesting via email, right, yes, how strange.

Speaker 1 2:37

But yeah, I mean I guess that's. That would be a challenging kind of vibe.

Speaker 2 2:43

Yes for sure. Like I think something that is definitely definitely missing in here and I feel like every episode we talk about it is the understanding where we stand, that clarity, like what is happening with that person, with that manager, like where is his head at? Like, does he like me, does he hate me, does he hate everyone, or it's just maybe maybe he talks to those other guys different ways, just me who is left out. There's so many questions that I would have and also depending on the person, right like it's like I go immediately into or he doesn't like me, but I suppose someone else could go in different directions. Where would you go if someone treated like that? What would you assume?

Speaker 1 3:22

oh, I would assume that they didn't like me and had no interest in talking to me, so we're on the same boat of those insecure love me like yes, then I'll be like what's wrong with you? Why don't you want to talk to me?

Speaker 2 3:35

I'm like hilarious yeah, definitely, some people feel like that is that's oh, that's just rude and, yeah, like, how could you not want to hang out with me? Very interesting, so very much depends on our programming and how we were raised and everything that we think about ourselves. Oh, so, yes, um, I don't hear that much of the internal story from the author of this letter, so I don't really know what this woman because, yeah, she mentions that she's the only female what she thinks about that situation. I suppose she's just a little bit flabbergasted and is like what is happening? I don't know, but she worries about the help that she might need from the manager at some point and it would be just so weird to ask for that help in that situation.

Impact of Leadership Communication Styles

Speaker 2 4:25

Do you see, like it's so interesting? Because people are from so many different walks of life and they can be very introverted, extroverted we talked about that in previous episodes but definitely, definitely, it has impact on how we are perceived as a leader in terms of being helpful, being approachable. We have a right to be ourselves, our authentic selves, but still, when something's taken to the extreme, or it's not explained or it's very vague, it can create a barrier between us and the rest of the team.

Speaker 2 4:58

So interesting, isn't it?

Speaker 1 5:00

Yes, and it sounds like there's a huge barrier here, Like there's a wall between that's what it seems like between the manager and their team. It's a physical wall their communication seems like, yeah, like literally a wall. He's in the office Like he can't see the guy. So it's very interesting, I mean. I mean I would think that is strange too yeah, so I can? I can empathize.

Speaker 2 5:31

I think it's a good opportunity to encourage all of our listeners to think about something that shines through this letter. So think about the way you act and how social you are, or maybe how antisocial you are, but also how you behave when you're under pressure and when the times are very relaxed. So in those different types of situations, how do you show up and how does that impact people around you? What does it do to their heads, the stories in their heads? And sometimes we have no way of knowing, without actually asking our people, without asking for feedback, because I might not know, especially this guy probably has no idea because he doesn't see them, he's not there, so he could have some sort of assumption. Maybe he assumed that everyone is like him. They just want to keep to themselves. Yes, just connect via email and everyone is on a different planet that's right.

Speaker 1 6:34

Or maybe he feels that he doesn't want to distract people from their work by initiating or a conversation.

Speaker 2 6:42

So he's being respectful, being respectful yeah, people are working I'm not going to interrupt you okay, so cool, so interesting, all righty. So we can see that our behavior truly, truly impact how people feel, their psychological safety, whether they feel connected or not, whether they feel supported. And I think it's very important from the leadership perspective to support the people, so impact them. And also, it can be very much misguided our behavior. So let's assume the best about this person, about this man, this manager. He wants to be super respectful. He would like to give them their own space. He doesn't want to micromanage in a way that I'm standing over your shoulder. He doesn't want to distract them with conversations. He would like them to focus entirely on work.

Intention vs. Impact in Management

Speaker 2 7:36

So this is what he does. He avoids that social contact, doesn't put any effort into it, keeps, keeps it to himself, and it comes across in such a different way. It just makes everyone confused. I was like, oh, it doesn't like me, oh, and I feel like it takes us back to the thing that we said so many times that our intention really does not equal our impact. What we have in our heads, what I wanted to achieve with you, will be very different, and I wonder if you ever made that mistake, emma, have you? Have you ever had an employee who misread you, that there was not enough clarity and they had like a different opinion about you. Yeah, I don't know, that's maybe not common. Yes, okay, tell us more?

Speaker 1 8:30

Yes, and I guess it. Yeah, it was sort of around engaging a wider group of people in a particular project. So working with people who I wasn't so familiar with and the way that I thought I had delivered the information and the kind of instructions and I thought that I had provided a lot of clarity because that's important to me is like I want to make people feel like they would be set up for success in doing something and turns out that for a particular person they didn't feel that way at all. Okay, how did you find out? Um, I guess sort of through a middle man okay, so they've communicated, yeah so they've communicated to another manager, um, who then communicated to me, okay.

Having the Difficult Conversation

Speaker 2 9:37

So they complained to someone and then they told you Okay, yes, okay, basically, yes, this is a classic story in organizations. This is literally what happens on a daily basis. Yes, and I think that comes from the fear of the interaction that might be unpleasant, the fear of confrontation, the interaction that might be unpleasant, the fear of confrontation, and a lot of people just would never, never, come up to you and say, emma, it wasn't clear to me. Could you just explain it differently? Can we sit down together? I really would like to understand what my role is, but I just don't know. I just really don't know.

Speaker 2 10:19

It's telling someone that they are wrong in their face. That is very difficult for a lot of people and I'm glad that we actually touch on that, because I think this is something that the author of this letter will need to take on a chin. I think that this lady, this biochemist, right, um, she will need to have a conversation, that we will be uncomfortable, but it's not about being accused accused, what was the word? Accused? Accusatory, that's the word. Guys, that's the word. It's not about being this way, um, it's not about being nasty, it's not about being negative towards this person, but because she feels confused, she doesn't know where she stands. She needs to communicate that to their leader.

Speaker 2 11:06

They're coming to Johnny and saying, johnny, I don't see you that much and we don't talk face to face. I appreciate your letters. They're very clear. I know what you expect of me, but because we never talk face to face, I don't know what sort of are. Very clear, I know what you expect of me, but because we never talk face to face, I don't know what sort of relationship we have.

Speaker 2 11:22

I don't know if you like working with me, that you want to have me in a team or not, and I don't know if you would be ever open to me coming to you when I have an issue, a struggle. So if you could just tell me a little bit more about what sort of relationship you would like to have with me as your employee, that would be very helpful, because at the moment I just don't know, because I don't see you face to face and I, for example, like to have contact more face to face. I don't mind having a bit of a chit chat in the morning when we just have the morning coffee. After that we can focus. So I don't mind having a bit of a chit chat in the morning when we just have the morning coffee. After that we can focus. So I don't know if you see what I'm doing in here, emma, that kind of opening that up Pandora box.

Speaker 1 12:06

Yes, yes, and I guess it's like we talk about a lot. It's approaching it from a place of curiosity where you're just asking the question.

Speaker 2 12:24

You're curious as to why and what and how. Yeah, I'm gonna give it a go again, so we are not being accusatory. Did I say yes? Yes, all right, let's say it in Polish now it's gonna be easier. Um, so, not being that way, but it's being very, very curious and just simply putting ourselves in that position of the learner and vocalizing that. So I didn't come here to tell you that you suck. I came here to tell you that I really want to learn. Help me understand what's happening. I want to grow and maybe we could prepare for the future. If I have any issue with my colleague or like my health, do you still want me to send you an email about something as personal or maybe something as complex as an issue with my colleague? Should I maybe then actually come to you face to face, would you mind or not? I'm open to any option, whatever works best for you really.

Speaker 1 13:16

How does it sound yes, whatever works best for you. Really, how does this sound? Yes, yeah, and I think having that sort of question mark around what should I do in a certain situation, I mean that's a really nice way to kind of open the door to that conversation, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, so it's a nice kind of excuse to initiate a conversation around this type of behavior. I think so too.

Speaker 2 13:41

Yeah, and just thinking about that manager, what do we know from this very short description? We definitely know that this person likes to do the job properly. He doesn't like when people are late. The emails are very thorough, so this person is probably very much detail oriented which might mean that they simply themselves need that focus.

Speaker 2 14:06

Maybe and I'm just guessing in here, but maybe this person was avoiding the social contact simply because they needed some peace and to be thorough. They needed that separation. But they had no idea that the side effect of being thorough in their job is alienating other people and then literally feeling like they're on a different planet. Yes, like literally alienating yes. I suppose Maybe yeah.

Understanding Different Work Styles

Speaker 1 14:36

Maybe they on their drive to work, because I guess you don't know about their life outside of work, Because he doesn't talk about it. No, exactly, but maybe it's completely chaotic and so maybe he uses the drive to work to kind of get in the zone and he wants to avoid chaos at all costs. So he's like blinkers on and like marches through the door, like marches to his office, shuts the door and it's like, oh, thank God, like now I can just like, relax, do my work, not get bothered, have some peace. Who?

Speaker 2 15:13

knows Absolutely. There's so many options. It could be extremely strong social anxiety. It could be so many reasons there and I think for the author of this letter it's not necessarily important to find out the reason specifically, because it could be so personal, the reason why they behave that way, but it's more about establishing the way we're going to work together so that we both feel comfortable. So I know where I stand, I know what you want from me, I know how to communicate when there's trouble, so to be very strategic about it, but also, to a degree, vulnerable and, saying that, being very open about our emotions in there to that helpful level. So it makes me feel a bit uncertain. It makes me feel a bit confused. I worry, we don't have to get into so much. Oh my God, I spent the whole night thinking about how much you hate me. We don't have to get into so much, you know. Oh my God, I spent a whole night thinking about how much you hate me.

Speaker 1 16:08

We don't need to get there. Please don't say that.

Speaker 2 16:12

Yeah, let's not go that deep. That might definitely scare someone with social anxiety. But just, we need to be honest and this is where the big part of the nonviolent communication and feedback in general it is being open about how we experience that and we are opening the door for learning about the other person. So what do we think? Does it sound like a good advice? Should it be enough?

Speaker 1 16:38

I think that's excellent advice and actually I would really love for this author to if you do take the advice, please let us know how it goes, please.

Speaker 2 16:49

Oh, I'm dying to find out what's happening on the other planet.

Speaker 1 16:53

I know, I know and I'm also curious to it. Would also be curious to know if the other team members feel a similar way. Obviously, you know, the whole sort of like male-female thing you know is a little bit differently. So are the other two her colleagues like what do they feel about it? Do they think it's strange? Are they bothered by it? Or they're just like, don't even think about it, don't give it a second thought. Curious.

Advice on Approaching the Manager

Speaker 2 17:23

Yeah, I'm very curious too, and I wonder if the author of this letter knows or not. But one thing that we need to be very careful about here is to avoid turning that into a gossip or moaning session about the manager, because it's not going to help anyone. It's not going to help anyone, guys. Incivility feels nice in the moment, like complaining, venting or gossiping, but it sucks. And if your leader finds out that you were gossiping about him behind his back, forget about building that relationship. He will clam up even more, he will become more particular or more annoyed about little things. That is really not good to anyone.

Speaker 2 18:07

So if you didn't do that yet, I would say maybe try to find out from your leader first what's happening, and then you can talk to your colleagues, asking them in a very, very kind way. Guys, this is how I feel, this is what I noticed, and I wonder if you share that. Or is it just my perspective? And I respectfully acknowledge there might be a lot of reasons for that and there's no point in talking about it or gossiping about it.

Speaker 1 18:36

I'm just curious how you see the situation, because it seems that the manager is the same with everybody, so it's not like one person is singled out know so it's, it's the same behavior to everyone.

Speaker 2 18:47

So yeah, yeah and some of them might not be that bothered because they just they work the same way that the manager works, um. But just yeah, just to be very, very careful so that it doesn't turn into incivility session. That really sucks, um. Okay, so hopefully we'll find out what happened there. Please let us know the author of this letter, and thank you so much for reaching out, for asking about the situation. This is what I'm here for. We are here to help you disentangle what's happening there, approach it very smartly and in a beautiful, very human, savvy way.